Dirty Thirty

"When you’re a teenager, all you want to do is buy beer. But once you hit 30 all you want to do is to get carded."- Carrie Bradshaw

Ha!!! The truth the above bares! I still however get carded, I must say it's an awesome feeling. I don't always feel 30. I actually feel closer to 40 than I do 21. I remember on my 21st birthday as my grandmother tried to convince me to leave the asshole I was dating at the time she said "Girl you better live your life. You'll be 30 in a blink of an eye". That blink came as fast as she said the words to me.

In my 20's I went away to college,  partied some, traveled a bit, made poor decisions and some huge mistakes in friendships, relationships, and finances. However upon turning 30 I was fearful that not only had I not experienced enough, but I hadn't made enough mistakes. Sounds crazy right... Wrong!!! My 20's was an era I felt I had to have it all together. I held good jobs often being the youngest in my department, lived on my own, and stayed in a series of mundane monogamous relationships. I admit I was kind of a L7... you know a square... AS IF (in my Cher Horowitz voice)... 😎😎😎

Anyhow... carrying on... As 30 crept up I was fearful of not only suffering from some form of arrested development because of my un-lived experiences, but also petrified that I was supposed to have my shit together and that was farthest from the truth. The aging process in all honesty makes me paranoid; the thought of thinning hair, hot flashes and gray pubes in my close future is alarming.

Turning 30 I knew I was stepping into a new realm in life in so many ways, so I decided to do the "grown up" thing and take control of my existence. I made a list of things I wanted to be a part of my life's experience. Funny enough that some things happened as soon as I wrote them down, but others are still a work in progress.

Eight months into my new age bracket I'm a step away of indulging in a consultation with a plastic surgeon, as gravity has begun to tug and pull at some places that were once firm. My love handles can no longer be fixed with a 2-day juicing effort and a few sit ups. Let's not forget about my God awful Aunt Flo who has replaced the Mean Girls in my life playing all sorts of cruel tricks on me. Lastly my body is going through a revolt resisting any kind of shapewear. Even with all of that evolutionary crap that's going on with my body and it's functions I somehow became an adult overnight. My aunt always said you aren't grown until you're 30 and now I understand.

I have a great deal of responsibilities now that I somehow innately know how to handle. My vocabulary has changed, big words are just that BIG WORDS. I'm learning less is more. I'm sillier with a more intentional and heartier laugh. I no longer care about the people who don't want me to "sit" with them, heck I don't want to see them!!! And I've found blurting out expletives especially a giant FUCK every now and again is liberating. 30 has proved not to be the new 20, sorry Mr. Carter, but it's a new decade of budding and infinite possibilities that I'm looking forward to.

Please find inspiration in my list... Copy if some of these things resonate with you.

30 Things to Do @ 30
1.) Reinvent myself
2.) Smile more... laugh lots
3.) Be creative
4.) Be fearless
5.) Finish something I start
6.) Chase my dreams (seriously)
7.) Pray often
8.) Fall in love with ME
9.) Read more
10.) Hone my craft
11.) Blog 3x a week
12.) Be adventurous
1 3.) Watch less television
14.) Get on a Rollercoaster
15.) Travel more... ROADTRIP
16.) Empower someone else
17.) AGENCY
18.) Invest in my brand
19.) Be healthier (mind, body, and soul)
20.) Take care of myself
21.) Lettie Scott
22.) Be weird
23.) Use all of my lipsticks before I buy any new ones (HA... the real challenge)
24.) Save LOTS
25.) Make new friends
26.) Become an oenophile
27.) Take an acting class
28.) Try new things ie a blood facial and a V Steam
29.) Marry the love of my life
30.) LIVE EVERYDAY TO THE FULLEST

Continue to follow me on this journey

Love & Light,

xoxo Jane

Through His Eyes

Your self-esteem won't come from body parts. You need to step away from the mirror every once in a while, and look for another reflection, like the one in the eyes of the people who love and admire you" Stacy London

"Janai Coleman is a life blogger, college student, care provider, novice feminist and self proclaimed gypsy.  Janai is a plus model who has graced the covers of Manik Magazine and appeared in the Love Love Your Face campaign.  Formally represented by IPM Model, she has taken some time off from modeling to pursue a career in American Sign Language/English interpreting.   Janai's blog, Style files of Jane, is a raw depiction of her life chronicling her journey in hopes to inspire others. The blog addresses issues that most women of color encounter and often don't speak about such as depression, abandonment, childhood trauma and issues of self esteem.  Janai is determined to live her life out loud and chase every dream that has been placed in her heart.  Janai takes care of her 87 year old grandmother who she credits with being the example by which she lives her life."

Who is this person??? Ha!!! My husband whom is my biggest fan and supporter,  recently wrote this about me. We had an amazing opportunity to meet with Danielle Moody-Mills of NBC BLACK to share our love story for their Love is Revolutionary series. I needed a bio so he wrote what you see above. I've had to read this excerpt over and over because I really am unfamiliar with this woman he wrote about. That was just a prelude. As I listened to him fawn over me as we told our love story, I wanted to pause and ask him "Harpo!!! Who dis woman!!!" because this remarkable being he spoke about I have no recollection of me being that.

Blame it on Mercury Retrograde or whatever but unlike the Queen of the Beyhive I'm not feeling myself as of late. I've been Debbie down on my own ass and it's not been the worse. Honestly my last post put me in a bit of a funk and I've been feeling empty. I explained to my Monday Mentor who now mentors me on Saturdays that change is ugly. But never did I think the ugly would transfer to me. I feel like a teenager who's going through that awkward phase better known as the "ugly phase". I don't know who I'm looking at in the mirror anymore. It's like looking at a blank canvas, because I don't see my reflection looking back at me. I've changed my hair and added makeup and I still see no remnants of me. I'm certain I'm not alone in these feelings. But how do I shake them? Instead of avoiding the mirror I've been having intimate sessions with it lately trying to catch glimpses of myself. My nose is different, my eyes are strange, I'm uncertain who this anomalous figure is reflecting back at me. It's frustrating to say the least.

Having to pull myself together for the Love is Revolutionary interview, as well as some other events I've accompanied my Rockstar husband to has been a brutal task. It's been challenging to break out that phenomenal woman that he penned and spoke about. Some big shoes to fill. While it has been hard for me I'm glad to know what he sees in me. I've sort of become dependent on him a bit too cajole my mind into seeing the beauty he sees within me. I know self-esteem is dependent upon oneself however his views don't hurt. I'm just praying that I see what he sees as I continue to push forward. Prayerfully the reflection I begin to see is not what it once was but a greater illustration of my soul.

Love & Light 

xoxo Jane