The Untamed Diaries Entry 1
September 5, 2016
After going through a juice cleanse for two days I had some much needed clarity and this yearning to write. I had it all in my head how I was going to make this huge comeback with a metaphor about beets as a resemblance to life. I had an appointed accountability partner asking me daily to write and my husband nightly questioning what I had written during the day… and NOTHING. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The awakeness (which I’m uncertain if this is an actual word… google was shaky on it) and the sharpness the juice cleanse brought all seemed to have waned away. My metaphor about beets being life was just a corny fable that only I would find thought provoking and be intrigued by. My level of corniness made me not want to write anything and I retreated back to what I had been doing for the past year since I stopped writing; eating badly, filling my life and online shopping carts with a bunch of unnecessary things, and continuing to promise myself that each new Sunday would be the day I made a change. Why?
After going through a juice cleanse for two days I had some much needed clarity and this yearning to write. I had it all in my head how I was going to make this huge comeback with a metaphor about beets as a resemblance to life. I had an appointed accountability partner asking me daily to write and my husband nightly questioning what I had written during the day… and NOTHING. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The awakeness (which I’m uncertain if this is an actual word… google was shaky on it) and the sharpness the juice cleanse brought all seemed to have waned away. My metaphor about beets being life was just a corny fable that only I would find thought provoking and be intrigued by. My level of corniness made me not want to write anything and I retreated back to what I had been doing for the past year since I stopped writing; eating badly, filling my life and online shopping carts with a bunch of unnecessary things, and continuing to promise myself that each new Sunday would be the day I made a change. Why?
There
wasn’t any poetic justice in all that I was dealing with. The clean slate from
the juice cleanse had become this murky mess of feelings and crap leftover from
life happening. Nothing lyrically sound could be formed from all that I had
been going through. Life was happening and passing me by, but there was nothing
that I felt like I could do about it or anything that I wanted to do. There was
nothing cool about admitting to having to start medication again to make me
“normal”, nothing poetic about gaining 30lbs in a year, and no justice in
admitting to being broke, losing everything and living outside of my means. See
in the past I was able to spin all that I was going through into some sort
expressive piece with catchy words and rhyming phrases, but this time I
couldn’t. I DIDN’T want to and I for damn sure didn’t want to keep writing
about my misfortunate life events that somehow was supposed to inspire others
all the while leaving me naked and broken.
See, in
the past my writing had stripped me, leaving me vulnerable and exposed. I would
never go back and reread anything that I had written because it was often too
heavy. Upon realizing the heaviness in my writing I became embarrassed. I had
broken so many codes exposing my feelings, exposing my family, exposing my
upbringing and so forth. But it was what I needed at the time. My writing would
sometimes replace the therapy sessions that I often depended on to get me
through to the next week. The shamefulness made me want to write under a
surname “Jane”; the moniker was fitting and heck according to my friends over
at Google Jane is the 149th most popular name with 404,120 people
having it. I wanted to hide and somedays I still do. Hiding didn’t work well
when I decided to plaster my face all over my blog and my “proud” mother
decided to post my writings all over her Facebook page; Thanks Tray (insert tan
waving emoji). Anyhow…
So here
we are a year and a month since my last post and I still want to hide, but I
can’t. My husband and my accountability partner won’t let me. They both seem to
believe that I have something to give to the world. Funny thing is I drank my
own Kool-Aid and I believe it too. Even if sometimes it is just a sad song, a
crooked smile, or my level of dopeness. Jane is dead and gone… It’s me Nai… The
Untamed One… The Untamed Socialite to be exact. Why the socialite part? In
short because we must speak things into existence. LOL… But no, in a world
where socialites (insert Kimoji) are more influential than teachers, doctors,
lawyers, and even our own mommas (in some cases); why not strive to be one?
Although
I am not your average socialite I want to influence the masses, of those who
don’t fit in the mold. I am colorful, creative, messy, unorganized, quirky, and
the ultimate drama queen. I am a perfectly imperfect beautiful ball of
perfection. I want to make a space for the lifetime dreamers, lackadaisical
doers, the misfits, and the misunderstood. I’ve set out to do so much in life
and have often felt like I’ve achieved nothing either to my lack of
consistency, absence of confidence or just the unknowingness of what to do next.
I no longer want to fit in or be who I am told to be. I could blab on but I’ve
said enough for now… Welcome to my world… I hope you enjoy watching me
unapologetically me.
Xoxo,
Nai
***The Untamed ONE***
