This blog has been haunting me since I obtained the ip address about 3 months ago. When I say haunting me I mean can't eat, can't sleep, can't breathe kind of haunt. What was I going to say? Who was going to read it? Was I going to be judged? Is my voice like everyone else? OMG!!! So the other night as I laid in bed aimlessly looking at the ceiling as I often do, waiting for a miraculous epiphany to come over me or some lighted vision to appear and tell me what to do with my life I begin to think what was the worse thing that could happen. Nobody like me, be ridiculed for my thoughts and beliefs. Heck I felt like that already without doing a thing... LOL... Usually when I'm up on nights like this I paint or color to keep my thoughts from leading me into a hysterical panic attack or to just stop them from roaming into no mans land. So like any other insomniac night I began painting and thinking... I am a woman of a certain age who will be entering a new decade soon and I have cheated not only myself, but the world from seeing the jewel that I am. I have denied my talents and stifled my own self out of FEAR!!! Fear of success, fear of failing, fear of the unknown. Fear has ruled and paralyzed me from being myself. I have shuttered my voice when it could have been influential in something for the fear of not being heard (cray right... how can they not hear you if you don't talk, your not being heard anyways). I have half ass showcased my talents or my passions for fear of them not working out or people not liking me. I started thinking as I painted with beautiful greens and pinks (no I'm not an AKA, but I wanted to be one), how after almost a decade completed I had done nothing wholeheartedly for myself. I have delved all of my energy into others, making their dreams come true, making them realize their niche and passion, but had not even given myself a single chance. Of course I have accomplished some things but nothing compared to what I had given to others. I've worked good jobs, gone on beautiful vacations, completed some college courses, made some lifelong friendships and met the love of my life. All these things I had done with zeal, but when it came to me I was uninspired. I am the woman who walks in a room and doesn't want to be seen.When I hear people laughing and whispering I usually adjust my clothes, go look at my makeup, or freshen my perfume out of fear they are talking about me. I have the no one likes me syndrome and it's me and my own insecurities that have coaxed myself into being this way. I am socially awkward and haven't learned to make that work in my favor. I have been called things from quirky to crazy, but I am ME. All the dreams that I have dared dreamed, I have been told they would never happen, I wasn't good enough, and that isn't what I needed to be doing, so it was easy for me to give up. I have this creative beast inside of me waiting to be unleashed and I have just twiddled my thumbs hoping it would go away. As I sat and painted more I began to think what if I gave myself a chance. What if I took my own self seriously? What if I no longer cared what people thought about me? That my journey here on this earth had everything to do with me and nothing at all to do with them. So I prayed on it as I often do and after painting I began to wind down. I had all these ideas in my head of what I wanted to do and how I was going to do it. I knew exactly what I was going to write. When I got up this morning prior to writing I came across this YouTube Guru Shameless Maya and I went all the way back to the beginning of her channel like I do with most bloggers that I follow to get encouraged and inspired by how they started. Although her first video was in 2012 it was about being Shameless (an adjective defined as: of a person or their conduct; characterized by or showing a lack of shame. i.e blatant, flagrant, brazen, barefaced, audacious, undisguised, outrageous, etc...) Her simple explanation of being shameless was being fearless. So I thought to myself nix my plans of being irresponsible and partying like its 1999 in the end of this decade in my life, but live these last few months before entering in a new decade shamelessly. Live this last 8 months out loud being and doing me, making my own rules and caring more about self preservation, self love, and making my dreams come true. Think less about the outcome of it all and have fun. Most importantly forget what anyone else thinks of me because how they feel, what they think or say about me is none of my business and has absolutely nothing to do with me. So as I sit and type my palms are sweaty, voice is shaky as I talk-type, but I am doing. I am far from a Plain Jane, but I am a Jane of All Trades determined to live my life through my own eyes and not that of others. Thanks for reading and come along with me for the ride. Until I write again.
Love & Light,
xoxo Jane
Thought I was Picasso huh... LOL
xoxo
Jane
I always thought you were just a cool chick. the hardest thing is just to be your authentic self. Especially because, as women.,from the womb, we are told that it's not enough. You are enough and I look forward to a little shameless from you. I'm here for you....even from far away!
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